Well, it's New Year's Eve, and yes, I'm still in the States. Christmas has come and gone... Things have been seemingly uneventful around here. I mailed some gifts and hand-written mini-letters over to Korea for Rebecca, umma, bro and CK's family. They were all surprised (well, except Rebecca, obviously). Christmas isn't that large of a holiday over there... It's important to Christians, obviously, but the family sentiment isn't nearly as strong as it is in the US. It's kind of a couples holiday, actually. Anyways, Rebecca delivered all the gifts to everyone and spent a little time with my family and translated the letters for them.
It seems a lot has been going on with my family. The latest word is that nobody has any idea of when I'll be able to go to Korea right now. Umma is closing down the business... Seems it just wasn't working out. Details are lacking, but someone is apparently trying to wrongfully sue her. As a result, all of my family's money and time have been tied up and if this mess gets taken to court, it could be a year before I can go back. It could also get dropped, but obviously nobody knows if that might happen.
Of course, my heart sank upon hearing the news... But, I know that God has a reason for everything, and His plan is for the benefit of everyone. I've been thinking kind of selfishly about this whole thing... I mean, well, obviously... It's kinda of hard not to think about just your life when it gets turned upside down. But, this has had a great, great impact on umma's life, too.
Again, I don't have all the details, but this all started a long while ago in her life. She actually said that she felt she was called by God when she was much younger... That maybe she was supposed to go to seminary or something. However, she ran away from God, because she thought she didn't need Him, and she could do things on her own. She had many chances to go to Him, but ran from all of them. However, her life got tough... But, she was still prideful. She said the lowest point in her life was when she gave me up... And even after, she remained headstrong. But, now that I'm back in her life, and she can't do anything to see me, she has completely humbled herself before God. She has been going to early morning prayer (5am prayer service), everyday... And she says she will continue to go everyday until she see me again. She says that God is using me to bring her back to Him... Quite a Jonah story, if you ask me. She feels like she needs to write a book, too.
In everything, nowadays, it seems God wants me to realize that I have control over nothing. He is demanding that I trust Him in everything, for everything. There is nothing certain right now... I don't know when I'll go back to Korea, I don't know about money things, and recently, I don't even know about my housing situation now... Nothing is stable. Everything can change at a moment's notice right now. I can't plan for anything. Obviously, there's quite a bit of anxiety accompanying that... I wish I could just take things into my own hands and reestablish life over in Korea for the next couple years, but I have no money, no degree (meaning, it'll be hard to get a job even teaching English), I can't speak Korean at all... I can't even get direct information from my umma or bro. Rebecca does her best, obviously, and she's great, but it's soooooo frustrating not being able to talk directly. Unfortunately, I think that's a wall that's going to take years to come down. I'm trying to learn Korean the best I can, but I feel like my peak language-learning time has already past. I really can't say how much I regret taking Chinese in school instead of Korean. Really... can't... say... I feel helpless. As if I had any reasons to be proud to begin with, I too am completely humbled before God... Just waiting, it seems. Clinging to a life preserver, drifting...
...Or not. Actually, it's pretty apparent that God is doing a lot in my life, right now. He is shaping my character. I was listening to a sermon the other day (by Pastor Steven Chandler, from Destiny Harvest Church), which was extremely relevant.
Here's a quote:
"God knows your perfect direction. The Bible says that when He brought the children [of Israel] out of [Egypt], He took them around one nation because He knew that they were not ready for battle. He said, "If I had taken them into that fight, they wouldn't have made it. So, we're going to have to go the long way so that they can build themselves up."
"Some of you are saying, "God, why is it taking so long for my dream to develop in my life?" God says, "You ain't ready. And if I take you straight to your dream, it's going to destroy you. So trust me that I know what I'm doing; allow me to take you the long way that's building you up. But when you get there, I'm telling you, you're going to shine, you're going to rise and you're going to demonstrate the glory of God.""
Though I have about 0.1% of control over the tangible things in my life, I think it's plainly obvious that God is teaching, training and tempering me. I've been through some really rough spots since the last update... One event in particular was more trying than anything I've had to deal with in the past few years. But, I have learned to rely on God's strength, and to seek Him first before succumbing to failure. I'm no pro at it, but God has pushed me through some things I never would have been able to get through on my own. It's surprising... It's like punching a rock, only to find the rock completely shatter and crumble away, like your fist was dynamite. Like Neo fighting Morpheus for the first time after just 'learning' Kung-Fu. I know most of my limits pretty well... so, the surprise is when God uses me and takes me beyond those limits. It's not surprising that God can do that, it's just the experience of it is unlike anything else, if that makes any sense.
It's definitely safe to say that right now, I am at an all-time-high spiritually. Lately, I've been praying more than I probably have in my whole life. I've been reading more Bible, more eagerly, than I have in a long, long time. God is definitely doing something, here... I know this isn't a temporary high, either, because right now, I really, really wonder how I got along with life without praying this much before. Sometimes, it's kind of like a 'retreat high,' but when it's not, I still just feel closer with God... Even through the rough spots.
So, it's clear that God is preparing me for something... My mom, too. And Rebecca. Something is going to happen... There is work to be done. And I guess I just have to accept that I'm not quite ready for it, quite yet. I have to realize God isn't letting me get back to Korea for my own benefit... If I went now, I'd probably screw something up. :P Or something would seriously screw me up. Who knows, but God?
In the meantime, it's also clear that there is work to be done here at home, too. To start, there are a few people here and there who I've started talking to and sharing with. My story to this point has blessed a good handful of people, but I'm sure there are more to come in this time of 'waiting.' I really have no idea how far God is going to take this here at home, or in Korea, but I need to be ready.
Lastly, I finally wrote and mailed off two forgiveness letters. One for my adoptive mom, and one for my adoptive dad. Earlier this year (after writing out my KAMC application), I wrote my mom a letter, explaining why I cut her out of my life. For the first time, I was honest with her. I told her what she put me through, and how it took me so long to understand that I hated her, and then why I hated her. A while later, she mailed me back with a letter. It pretty much said stuff like, 'oh, I've always loved you,' 'you were my everything' and ended with 'you need to get your heart right with God.' Without context, anybody would have just smacked me on the head and asked me, 'what's wrong with you?' But, that's just the thing. That's how it's always been... And I bought that for the longest time. You'd think that after not speaking to her for five/six/seven (I don't even remember) years that she'd be willing to listen to what I had to say, but she didn't acknowledge a thing I said, much less even hint that she might have been wrong. Instead, she told me what she always told me... Things that she says, but never backed with actions. And then, as always, used 'God' to justify herself and imply that I was the one that was wrong. Just like always...
So, I gave it some time. Just before Christmas, I wrote her another letter. I pretty much stated that regardless of whether she admits or even understands what she did to me, I forgive her. I listed the things that I forgive her for. I then told her that she needs to forgive as well, and also seek forgiveness from everyone else. It was... still a pretty hard letter to write, even though I am willing to begin the forgiving process. I did a lot of re-reading, deleting, rephrasing and rewriting because I still got plenty emotional writing this. I'm still angry and somewhat bitter... I want to forgive her, and God will help me, as God wants us to forgive everyone. Despite writing the letter, I think it's still going to take some time for the anger and bitterness to fade. I'm definitely on the path to complete forgiveness, but just not there yet. I'm not really even sure what complete forgiveness for something like this is supposed to feel like. I mean, theoretically, I'll be free... But, how am I supposed to look at what's been done in the past? Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting... Easy to say 'forgive and forget,' but am I just supposed to forget 17 years of my life? No. But, I can't hold it against her... It's easy to forgive someone who you like, because, well, you like them. If you like them, you probably consider them at least a decent person. But, someone who is not-so-decent... I mean, the best I can do is acknowledge that they are a sinner, and that I too, am a sinner. Still... there is hurt, and there is clearly someone to blame for it.... But, all theology and thinking aside, the bottom line is that I have to give it all to God. And I'm trying.....
This whole time, I hadn't written anything to my adoptive dad yet. My adoptive mom was the primary offender, so I focused on sorting things out with her first. But, with that done, I thought about my adoptive dad and what he's done and why I wanted nothing to do with him. So, like with my adoptive mom, I wrote everything out... I think I did a more clear job with his letter, though. Then again, his case is a bit more obvious and I'm a bit less emotional about it, so organizing my thoughts was a lot easier. Still, in writing the letter, I realize I'm a lot more angry than I thought I was. But, after explaining everything, I told him that I forgive him for everything I just explained to him. Forgiving him is a lot easier than forgiving my adoptive mom, for sure...
In both letters, I told my adoptive parents that I found my birth family. I didn't say a lot about it, but made it pretty clear that I just want to move on from the past, and move on with my 'new' family.
So... the heartwork begins. While not complete, I'm soooo much closer than I was earlier this year. God returning umma to my life really changed a lot. I feel so much love that I feel like I can let go of these things I've held against my adoptive parents for so long. Love certainly changes things.
And... that's pretty much it for now. I'll update when I get more news of things... In the meantime, prayers for my umma and this legal-stuff concerning her business would be appreciated. :)
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