So, it’s the last day I’m here in Korea. I haven’t really
been updating because… well, there hasn’t been a whole lot to update about, and
the rest I couldn’t update about. But, as it’s the last day I’m here, I can
give you an idea of what it’s been like for me this whole time.
As expected, I had some really sweet moments with my mom,
bro and Rebecca… And also had a lot of fun with friends, made a lot of memories…
that kinda thing. However, what you probably didn’t expect was how much of a ‘desert’
it’s been here for me. You wouldn’t think it, but this has definitely been a
wilderness-experience. Though I’ve been with the closest people to me, I’ve
been pretty alone… Not because I haven’t been loved, but simply because I haven’t
really had anyone to talk to or be there for me through growing the
relationships I have here. I also really haven’t had anybody here, spiritually.
It’s just been me and God. And really, that’s what wandering in the desert is
about: just being you, God and lots of tests. My faith grew dramatically last
year… Since coming here, it’s been tested, and tested quite thoroughly. So many
times, I thought I was going to lose everything. Through barriers in
communication, masked cultural differences, completely opposite perspectives on
what is good and right, I went through quite a bit. So many times I thought I
was doing what was good and right, and being considerate, only to find that
what I was doing had the complete opposite effect that I wanted; and when I
tried to make things better, they only got worse. I haven’t had anyone to talk
to for various reasons… I couldn’t really talk in-depth with my mom or my bro,
and Rebecca wasn’t always available for other reasons. All I could really do
was pray. But, sometimes, and often, that’s all you really need. Somebody said
that God should be your first option, and not your last resort… I definitely
learned that by simply not having any other options. When everything fell
apart, and there was nothing I could do about it… I could only pray. It’s
strange how it works. When you read the Old Testament, and you read about how
the Israelites behaved in the desert after God did all sorts of miraculous
signs and wonders to set them free… And then provided, tangibly, for them
everyday… And further, even had a visible sign of His presence leading them……
You really wonder how they could complain about things, and how they could turn
away from God and worship some golden calf… I mean, of all He did for them, how
could they turn away after having JUST seen God in His power, doing His thing?
Well… I went through the same thing. Ok, not exactly… I didn’t turn away from
God or anything, don’t get me wrong. But, after God did all those miraculous
things for me last year, you’d think I would have complete, unshakeable faith,
right? Not really so… I really doubted His goodness at times. It has literally
been systematic test after test here… And each time, the test got harder. And
sorry to say, but your protagonist started strong, but almost lost it each time
as the odds got worse and worse. I’d like to say that my faith grew at a rate
faster than the tests and that I’m coming home full-spirited and triumphant…
But, really, I’m just barely crawling home.
As expected when God puts you through things, He gives you
instruction, too. Before I left, I remember hearing a couple sermons on being
in the wilderness. I thought that they were applicable to HOPE church having to
have had moved out of a church building and being ‘homeless’… But, looking
back, it was definitely for me on a different level. Starting a couple weeks
ago, I heard a lot more about the wilderness, too. And all the messages sort of
said the same thing: the wilderness is difficult, and by nature, nobody likes
being there, however, the wilderness is entirely necessary. No wilderness, no
growth. The Israelites had to wander ‘unnecessarily’ through the wilderness
before going into the Promised Land, Elijah ran to the wilderness when he was
persecuted, John the Baptist spent time in the wilderness before he started
prophesying about Jesus, and Jesus Himself had to go through the wilderness
before He could start His ministry. Yeah, those were literally ‘wilderness
experiences,’ but the analogy remains true; here, I’ve had to leave all those
who support me to be tested, just as those listed had to ‘leave’ everything to
experience something better later. James 1:2-7 says, “Consider it pure joy, my
brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know
that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish
its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any
of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without
finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe
and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and
tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the
Lord.” Looking back, it’s clear that all the trials that not only me, but
Rebecca too, faced were from the Lord… As I said, they systematically became
more difficult, and we faced them one at a time. God has been shaping and
stretching both of us… It’s been painful. Exhausting. Demoralizing. But, we
have grown leaps and bounds… God is preparing us. James 2:17 – “In the same
way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” So, my
new-level of faith has been well-weathered, and well-tempered. I’ve learned a
lot… God is sovereign, and the talents that I have should not be used to keep
control of my life, but rather, to build God’s kingdom; they are for executing
His will, and not my own; to be part of the Body, and not to make my life
self-sufficient.
What could I possibly have been struggling with, with my
fairy-tale, happy-ending-K-drama life? Well… Like I said in the last entry… I
can’t really blog about it because these matters no longer solely involve me.
But, I can share at least one example. As you probably know, Rebecca is coming
back to the US with me. That wasn’t her choice; she actually didn’t want to go.
And it wasn’t really my choice either. Before leaving for Korea this time
around, I thought I would come here, see things, go home, sell everything and
move over here. I was ready to dump everything and live here with my family and
my girlfriend and have a happy, Korean life. Not so… One morning, God woke me up and gently told
me I need to go back to the US. With Rebecca. And this was maybe after a few
weeks of being here? I don’t remember exactly. It doesn’t seem like a big deal,
but let me remind you, I haven’t really been financially stable; I don’t own a
house, I don’t own a car; I haven’t finished school; etc. etc… And here, we
have supportive parents, and Rebecca has a job, car, etc. So… It really doesn’t
make any sense. By worldly standards, that is. God didn’t just randomly tell
me, and me only, either… With some other random sources, I got confirmation
that I heard correctly. So… when things started to get hard, it was REALLY hard
to hold on to that word. Sometimes God gives you reminders about some things,
but He is not a nagging mother; sometimes He only tells you once. And that’s
been hard… So many times I’ve wondered ‘what the heck am I doing, and why am I
doing it?’ And if that weren’t difficult enough… I had to convince Rebecca that
this is what God wanted. If that weren’t enough… Imagine trying to convince my
newly-found-faith mom, my no-faith bro, and then her parents? It hasn’t been
easy. But, God made a way… Each time, He has made a way. I’ve been riding His
goodness this whole time… I’ve been riding His goodness my whole life, but it’s
been especially clear to me that He is in control, not me, because frankly,
this was quite an impossible, stupid idea… if you don’t know how it will turn
out. God knows how it’ll turn out; it seems like a retarded, high-stakes risk
with no foresight, but there are no ‘risks’ for God. And… tomorrow, Rebecca is
flying to the United States in a seat next to mine, and we are to be wed in the
US and start a happy life there. As a reminder of how ridiculous this all has
been… I met her aunts and uncle, who aren’t Christian (or at least aren’t very
faithful), and they weren’t very subtle in how little sense this makes. Meeting
her dad was an amazing thing of God, but her extended family, and maybe even
some of mine too, just think we are dumb kids that can’t wait to live together.
But… here we are.
And you know, God doesn’t do all these things just to push
us… He has a reason for everything, and that reason is always for our good. At
the end of the wilderness is the Promised Land. It’s been made clear to me that
coming back home to the ‘Promised Land’… God kinda told me a while ago, and of
course, one of the sermons this past Sunday was about what to do when you reach
the ‘Promised Land.’ I don’t really know what’s going to happen, but I know God
has a lot of good things in store. I’m glad to have made it this far, and I
feel like things are going to get easier. I’ve been tested, now it’s time to
start building.
So, yeah. That’s pretty much where I’m at. It’s good to be
coming home… Am I going to miss my family? Most definitely. I haven’t talked
too much about it since I haven’t really had my thoughts together. At first, it
was really strange. But, I will have to save all this for another entry, as this one has become quite long, and I need to get my thoughts and reflections back together for this topic.
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