3/14/2012 4:54pm Engaged

Well... Since today is White Day here in Korea, I figured I'd write this entry today. (In Korea, girls buy the guys gifts and take them out on Valentine's Day... On White Day, that's when the guys have to do something for them.)

So... Everyone who's read this blog knows that I love Rebecca... And they know how we ended up together was pretty unique... And while nobody is really ever going to fully understand just how special this relationship is, and just how deep our love really goes... I will give you a bit of a glimpse. Not to gloat, but to encourage those that read this that are still single. While I wish I could be like, 'yeah! I got my woman in a week! And I got her to stay with me because I'm awesome!'... I can't. I can't because I can't take much credit for any of this. I can't take credit for having found the love of my life, and I can't take credit for coming as far as I have with her... If you can't guess, I'm giving all credit to God. All I can say I did was try my best to be obedient. Sounds... so... trite...... But, stick with me.

First, though... On March 4th, 2012, Rebecca and I went to Hyehwa, Daehakro, where we first hung out last summer. We went to the German-designed art cafe she showed MeriKim and I. But, the situation was quite different this time.

We got our seats, ordered some food. But, the food wasn't really important, because... I had just asked her to marry me. I'm uhh... gonna skip on a lot of details, well, because they're just for us. :) Suffice to say, it was a special moment. It was really the pinnacle of our relationship. There's no turning back, no second thoughts... And we couldn't be happier about that. Given the way I've been writing, this probably won't surprise most of you... But, as I said, nobody's ever really gonna know just how much this means. Perhaps it's kinda the same for everyone, but haha... I could really write a book on just this relationship.

Quite a bit of symbolism in that pic... Trust me, there's a reason for all of it. :)

Even our rings are special.... SO special. God really provides... Again, I can't say all the details, but I can say some. God provided when we hadn't even thought to ask... If you know me, I'm super picky about things, especially what I wear... and even more so when it comes to accessories. And Rebecca is, too. The thing is, I really couldn't see myself wearing a traditional ring in yellow gold, white gold, or even platinum... Just... bleh. And for Rebecca, I couldn't figure out whether yellow or white would be better, because really, I'm not fond of either color. However... When we went to go look at rings... The store had this one special, signature color. I saw it, and just had to get it. It matched Rebecca's hand just so perfectly... While looking, I forgot I had to get one for me, too. But, before I could even start wondering about a color, a black titanium ring caught my eye. They just happened to have the same design in black. Wha. Really... amazing. More amazing is that I'm with a girl who'd let me get a black ring for something so important. :P The ring design itself is just perfect... Just the right weight for our hands (her hand's pretty small, and mine's long and lanky - hard to find rings that don't look ridiculous, especially considering how different our hands are), minimal and yet shaped so subtly it's sophisticated. Add to that these colors, and we couldn't have found more perfect rings if we tried. The crazy thing? These colors only came into the store three days earlier. We were the first customers to buy these colors! These were really just for us...

Well... That's all I'm gonna say about that. Marriage plans are pretty up in the air, but we will probably have a couple marriages. Once here in Korea, mostly for our parents, because she'll be coming back to the States with me. Yep... Going to bring back a wife. :) The bigger, celebratory wedding will be a bit later, in the US.

Ok, so let's shift gears a bit, and get back to what I was talking about earlier - the God part.

So... like most people, I always wondered about who I would end up with, eventually. Perhaps unlike most people... I put a ton of hope and expectation into that person because my life had been devoid of intimate relationships. I didn't have any unconditional loves (family), and my close friends, who ended up not being that close, were taken from me... And I always had these 'walls' built that kept me from trusting anyone. There was really only room for one other, for me... And as such, I put a ton of expectation into the person that I would eventually spend my whole life with.

I had a couple relationships before... I didn't want to start either of them, because I didn't think either of those girls could really live up to the expectations I had. Even if I trusted them some, at some points in the relationship, I ended up 'emotionally unloading'... Suffice to say, I was still dealing with depression then... I mean, nobody could really handle that. I was expecting them to do what only God could end up doing - heal my heart; to complete me. Still, things fell apart elsewhere, too... These relationships weren't really what I had hoped for, at all.

We've all been there? Maybe... At least to some degree.

So, the next few years would be spent looking at different girls, thinking maybe I could find one that could fill my expectations. Had a crush here and there, thinking, maybe this one... Or maybe that one... Some lasted longer than others. But, they all fell short in some way or another, and I got bored, or just gave up.

I mean... Here I am talking about how high my expectations were for whoever I'd end up being with... But keep in mind, a relationship has to be mutual. :P Even if I could find a girl that could be all that I wanted, she's still got to be into me: an awkward guy with no money, a crappy job, some OCD quirks, some messed up emotional issues, etc, etc. And I don't exactly look like TOP or Bi (Rain)... I mean, what do I really have? Yeah, I have some qualities, but you've really got to know me for a while to see them...

But, moving on... I'll never forget this one day. A good friend of mine had a bit of an emotional day... So, we went to a Buffalo Wild Wings to blow off some steam and mope. Feeling sort of masochistic, we ordered the most spicy wings they had (really gross), and I got a beer... And mope we did. Him about his unrequited love, and me... because I didn't have anybody I even liked. All the people I know... All the social circles I was in... There was nobody. I really felt like the girl I wanted just... didn't exist. We talked and moped and commiserated... Eventually, being the Christians we are, started talking about God after we finished having whining like God just forgot about us. :P I comforted him a bit with some words, and when it was his turn... He asked me exactly what I had wanted in a girl. What things specifically... He pulled out a pen, and started to write them down on a napkin, so that I could pray for a girl who would have these qualities. I listed a bunch of stuff... Serious things, not-so-serious things... I mean... I was just putting stuff out there. We threw out the napkin by accident, but I'll never forget some of the stuff on it:

-Height between 5'2" and 5'4"... 5'4" preferred

-Weight around 100lbs

-No more than a year older than me

-Korean

-Small eyes

-Darker skin

-Long hair

-B or C cup (hey, I am a guy, ok???)

-Can be cute, but can also be hot

-Smart - I need a girl to be intellectually challenging

-Socially astute

-Sophisticated style of dress

-Sophisticated taste of things in general

-Appreciation of art
-Appreciation of music

-Really good at an instrument - either piano or guitar

-Hates club music (50 Cent, Kayne and all that crap)

-Can appreciate a strong drink, like Scotch

-Likes dark beer

-Good taste in cars

Those were the more 'superficial' things I guess... The later bits were the tough ones...

-Attention to details - I don't think anybody can really appreciate me unless they can notice small details.

-Super-Godly - Like, goes without saying. She would have to be well-versed spiritually.

-Family problems - Nobody with a perfect family could really understand me, or what I've been through.

-Independent - I can't deal with helpless girls... Just a total turn off for me. I don't want to feel like I'm taking care of a child.

-Mature - Above all, mature. Probably the most important bit on the list, after Godliness... Modesty aside, I think I'm kinda mature for my age, just because I've been doing everything on my own for so long... For a girl to challenge me, she's got to be mature, too. My relationship has to challenge me, or I'll get bored, or take it for granted... I learned that the hard way.

Anyways... That's quite a wish-list, right? Like... That's not even... reasonable... To expect to find a girl that has all of those qualities.... and then like me as well? Impossible.

Or so I thought.

So... time went by. I didn't even bother praying about a girl at all. It came to a point where God started doing things in my life, and I felt I needed to focus on letting Him fix my own heart first. I started to confront the things in my past, like stated in my testimony allllll the way in the beginning of this blog. During this time, I just decided I'd give up on going out of my way to find a girl... Rather, I'd just wait for God to give me one. Then, when the application for the KAMC trip to Korea ended up in my e-mail inbox, I decided I was going to put pursuing God complete and absolutely first.... I mean, yeah, God was always 'most important' in my life (or so I told myself), but I would really focus on what He was doing and what He wanted before pursuing what I thought was important, or what I wanted (that's how it should be, anyways!)... And I would just trust Him to lead me. At that point, I completely gave up on girls... old 'interests' and all that... I just admitted none of them were from God, and let those thoughts and related emotions die.

You know that verse, "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." (Matthew 6:33)? Well, it's true... As if the rest of this blog weren't already a testament to that... That ONE thing that nobody really trusts God with to provide (a significant other), He WILL provide... He will. How can I be so confident?

Rebecca is EVERY SINGLE one of those things on that fantasy-girl-napkin-wish-list except two - small eyes and dark skin. And believe me, I don't care (haha... those two things on the list sure did get me in trouble once, though! Haha....)... Rebecca is really beautiful as she is... I still look at her sometimes and I am in disbelief that I'm with such a fine girl. :P Anyways, anyways... When we hung out for the first on that Monday last summer, I quickly found out that Rebecca had all those 'superficial' bits I wanted... The following, fateful Friday, I discovered she had all the deeper qualities that I required, too. And the kicker is... she also has more 'little things' that I had hoped to have in a girl that I didn't know I would appreciate, much less think of on the spot to write on that napkin... Getting to know her and discover all these little things has been like an Easter egg hunt or something. Girl of my dreams? She's not only everything I thought was unreasonable to expect, but she's more than that... But, don't get me wrong; I'm fully aware that she is not a perfect person... I haven't been so 'blinded by love' that I am aloof to reality. She's got faults and flaws like all the rest of us humans. I'm not just saying that; I know because our relationship hasn't been all butterflies and roses... I can't write about it, and probably won't, ever, but just imagine how things could get between two people with deep-seated emotional scars and still some open wounds..... And you kinda get the idea. That being said, this reality still remains: she is perfect for ME. She has qualities I did not know could exist in a person. I'm not even exaggerating... Sometimes, she is so good to me, I miss it because my perception of how one person could treat another is too small. It's blown my mind at times.

I gotta admit... When we first met, my faith at that time wasn't really strong enough to be confident and know that God would carry things through. I couldn't really describe (in my blog) just how much I was moping about her when I flew back home. At other moments early in our relationship, I really felt like I just got lucky and had a chance with a girl that was out of my league... Several other times throughout, I thought God was just playing with my heart and using her to teach me a cruel lesson or something, but in hindsight, it's 100% clear that God put me in this relationship. Actually, in hindsight, God always made it clear that this was from Him. It was my lack of faith that ever made me wonder. He made it possible for us to be together... Every step of the way.

But, even if it weren't for the dramatic circumstances in which we met... I know this relationship is from God because our relationship PUSHES me towards God. I have grown so much spiritually because of this relationship. I mean... On levels I never thought I'd really reach. Every other relationship I've had... even just 'crushes'... I felt pulled me from God. But, this one draws me so much closer. It's to the point now where I can't separate my relationship with Rebecca from my relationship with God... Let me clarify (lest you think that I think Rebecca is God or something blasphemous)... I can't think of Rebecca without thinking of God, who gave her to me. I can't think of my relationship with her without thinking about my relationship with God. By honoring her, I honor God, who gave me His daughter to care for. My prayer in our relationship is to learn how to love her like God loves her. The result? I have never loved somebody so much... And I have never been loved so much in return. God has used the two of us to heal each other. The love we have is so different from just 'worldy love' that you hear about in stupid songs, or see on TV, or hear people talk about so casually... It's different because we know it's from God. Everything's from God. And now that we're engaged... It's all for keeps. It's permanent. And we couldn't be happier with that, or each other.

So..... To summarize... If you want a significant other so amazing that only God could provide... Then trust Him to provide. Stop seeking, because you won't find it. Wait. Wait on the Lord... Pursue Him, and He will take care of you... Not just food and water and all that, but He will take care of your love life, too. Could you imagine how different the church would be if Christian guys pursued God like they pursue their idea of a 'perfect, Godly wife'... Or if Christian girls found their security in God's overwhelming love for them, and not in having a boyfriend who makes money, drives a nice car and goes to church every Sunday?

Trust God... Seek only Him... And He will take care of everything else. Even your future wife, or husband.