1/22/2012 10:01am The Morning After

Well, I just woke up, and I really feel like I’m still dreaming.

Yesterday was so wonderful… I can’t really even describe it, b/c I don’t know how to name half of these feelings. I’ll try, though.

Haha… Well, first things first. The tale of the black cherries… Thursday, I bought some black cherries and a big Red Delicious apple for Rebecca and my umma, because they don’t have local cherries in Korea (they have to import them and they’re mad expensive), and Rebecca really likes apples. But, fruits are illegal to bring between countries out of fear of invasive species, or infections and stuff like that. So, at my going-away dinner, we spent like, two hours discussing whether I should try to bring them with me or not. People were calling Korean Air, TSA, friends, etc. Haha… It turned into a kind of event. In the end, I decided to risk it, and wrapped one pack in my motorcycle jacket and put it in my check bag, and then put the apple and the other pack in my carry-on. I ended up getting kinda nervous about this… But, I got through the security at Dulles just ok, and then all the customs stuff on the Korean side ended up just being mostly an honor-code kinda thing. :P Haha… So, I got the cherries across! Yay!

Anyways, that was kinda funny and kinda petty, but I was praying for it, and I had no problems whatsoever the whole flight. I really don’t take that for granted, at all.

So… I landed, and I got all my luggage. I was wheeling it to the gate… Right behind it, my girlfriend and my brother were waiting. It actually seemed pretty dramatic, like something out of a movie. The airport was really quiet, and the walkway up to the door was empty. The gate doors were glass, but they were frosted so you couldn’t see through them. As I got closer, my palms started to get a little sweaty, and I could feel my heart beating a bit faster. Gosh. Am I going to be able to handle this? Closer, closer… The gate slides open.

“Chang-gi!!!!!!”

I’m looking, and looking, and I see my brother waving his hand in the air…. I look to my left, and there’s my girlfriend walking towards me………….. Good gracious, does she look good. Like, wow. She’s really hot. And she’s walking this way… Haha… and she seems taller than I remember. :P But… wow. I got to hug her… First time being able to see and touch her in more than six months. Then my bro was right behind her… He gave me a really big hug.

Holy crap. I have to say, I think I mostly felt shock at first… He doesn’t look like I imagined, b/c he changed his hair again (he got a perm b/c he knew I was coming) and his skin was a lot lighter than I thought it’d be. And also, he was a lot bigger than I thought. He’s only about an inch shorter than me, but he’s way more bulky than I am. Also, his voice is nothing like mine. We’re alike in a lot of ways, but we’re so different, too.

There wasn’t any crying or anything. All three of us felt like the whole situation was surreal. I still couldn’t believe that I was in Korea, and I couldn’t believe I was with my girlfriend again, and I couldn’t believe that I just met my brother. We chatted just a tiny bit… Still just trying to get a grip on reality, but it was really hard. We dropped by a 7-11 and picked up some snacks, and then I unloaded some of the gifts I bought Rebecca on her, along with those smuggled cherries and apple, and gave my bro some Emerald almonds I bought him. The three of us walked to the car and I got a good look at his car up close. We got my luggage in and all piled in. My bro drove us home.

Bro's car interior...Lotsa toys. Just like my car...

I think he was kinda showing off driving us home... He was passing everybody left and right!

 My baby in the backseat... :) So good to see her!

My brother is something else. He’s definitely a Type-A personality. He’s a funny, animated guy – quite the opposite of me. He’s also a bit of a ladies’ man (if you couldn’t tell by his leopard-print jacket :P ). He’s really cute, though. Obviously, I’m amused by his FOBby-ness, but he’s equally amused by me. He patted my head and was like, ‘so cute.’ Haha… I definitely feel like a younger brother.

 Looks kinda familiar...

My bro was the one who pointed that one out... R34 GTR... Very similar taste in cars!

But, we got home. We started to unpack a little, and my mom (I think I will just call her ‘mom’ from now on out. :P ) came out of the town-house and squatted on the porch, with her hands over her mouth, staring… I walked up to her, and hugged her. She couldn’t say anything. She just cried. I still just couldn’t believe things. My mom is pretty tiny... She just buried her face in my chest and cried. We hobbled inside, with her still clinging to me, and my bro brought my luggage inside.

By the time my bro had made several trips to and from his car and moved all my junk in the ... house? It's not a house. It's not quite an apartment, either. But, not really a condo or a town-home. Eh... I'll just say 'house' anyways. :P ...So, by the time he moved it all into the house, my mom got herself together, and we could pose for this pic.

How'd I feel? It's really... complicated and difficult to explain, mostly because I really don't entirely know how I felt. I didn't cry or anything... I mean, I knew what was going on. It wasn't as dramatic as I thought it'd be (well, for me). I didn't feel like I was suddenly made a 'whole person' or anything like that at all. Instead, like with my brother, I sorta felt a little shocked. Just a little. But, more than that... She felt like my mom. She didn't feel like a stranger, at all... After the initial shock passed (was short-lived), the best I can describe the way I felt was that it didn't feel like this was the first time meeting her. Same goes for my brother.

Happy family, reunited after 26 years... That necklace is the one I bought mom for Christmas.

...And so the fun part began. Like she said she wanted to, my mom touched all my fingers and face, looking at every detail. We were comparing all sorts of physical features and it was really obvious whether they came from my dad or my mom. It's really amazing... The pic above shows that I get my long fingers (my bro, too) from my mom, and my smooth palms (everyone who knows me knows I tear up my hands working on cars/bikes/guitars/fixing stuff/stabbing them with drill bits, etc, but still have smooth hands) from my mom, but my bro has rough palms, which my dad had. The list is pretty big, and I think most normal people take it for granted, but finally finding and seeing your origins, your source of DNA is quite special. I really didn't notice how much I look like my mom/bro until I saw the pic above this one... I get my jawline from my dad, and the 'sculpted' cheekbones, too... But, the nose/lips/mouth.... Pretty obviously from my mom, and my bro has the same. She kept looking at all my features, laughing and going 'same-same!'

The most amazing girl in my life... Hahaha... Sitting kinda far away from me. :P She did a great job translating... It helped a lot that we've been dating a while before meeting my family, b/c she was able to tell them a lot about me. Definitely special having her there... Not just because she's infinitely better than some random-paid-stranger-translator, but for emotional support of me, too. The meeting was really God-planned... Actually, I always imagined how it'd go in meeting my family... Since I ever even first thought about it, I always thought I'd be with my wife. And well... Not quite wife, but heh heh heh heh.... :D Anyways, I'm super grateful to her, and super grateful for her. Not just for being there for me for all this, or even finding my family to begin with, but for just being the person that she is, and that the two of us can be in love. 

My smuggled cherries... Everyone enjoyed them a lot. :) Also, some butter-crunch cashews in the corner...

My bro's car, up close and in person. Yup, those are Volks! Coilovers, dual exhaust, intake, bodykit and a lot small things here and there.

Tastefully done... Bro definitely has a knack for design. We get it from our mom.

They took Rebecca and I out to eat some kalbi. This is my mom wiping down the table right after the server wiped it down because she 'didn't trust them'... Haha... If you know me, you know I'm kind of OCD, and it's plainly obvious where I got it from. Environmental? I think not...

We ate and casually chatted... It was kind of an interesting conversation because a lot of the small talk was skipped. We were still getting to know each other, but not. This would also mark the beginning of my mom feeding me. :P My mom also ordered some Hite (Korean brand of beer). I had been fasting alcohol until I got to Korea, and this was my first drink in a lonnng time. My mom says that she knows that she likes to have a beer after work (just like me!) and so she got us some to help me relax. And relax I did... :) Haha... She ordered Hite b/c she doesn't like Cass, so she figured I wouldn't, either... And she was right. Rebecca had a hard time translating sometimes because my mom was mumbling (if you know me, I'm notorious for mumbling incoherently... Haha...).

Korean sweet potatoes... The more yellow they are, the sweeter they are. They're really different from American 'yams'... Tasty little things. I'm usually not a big fan of super-starchy things, but these seem less starchy and little more chewy.

After dinner, we went back home... Rebecca was chatting with my mom on the way. Obviously about me, but not really sure what they were talking about.

Back home, we compared a few more things, chatted casually. Also, my stepfather came home, and I got to meet him. He's a pretty docile guy, but he told me to make myself at home, and also that he would work out my school situation.

My bro gave me one of the necklaces he made...

...And it turns out, my stepfather has a guitar lying around. :) Here's my mom playing with it... She knows a couple chords. Of course, they had me play a little something for them... I noodled around a bit, and everyone seemed to enjoy it. Not as much pressure as the time in Daegu. :P Haha... And I didn't have to play a whole song or anything.

So, we sat and chatted a little more, and then my bro and I took my mom's car to take Rebecca home. But, rather than go direct, he wanted to take us somewhere. He drove us out to the city limits, Rebecca and I cuddling for the first time in the backseat... It was quite romantic. I know we were probably grossing him out a little, but he said he wanted to help me out, like an older brother and kind of show me some 'spots' to take a girl. We went to this restaurant called 'Bonjour'... It wasn't French at all. Stupid me left my camera at home, but it was quite a sight. There were lots of different buildings for the restaurant, and in between all the buildings were these walkways and firepits that people could sit around. It was really nice... The place was packed, but we eventually found a table inside and ordered some coffee. My bro and I both got cafe mochas... Seems we have the same taste in coffee. The three of us sat and chatted, and my bro and I caught up a bit.

We finished up, and then my bro drove us back into the city, and parked the car in this parking lot, facing the Han River... We sat and talked a little, then he went to go get some snacks... Haha... He took an unreasonably long time to get those snacks. :P What a bro... He came back with some instant noodle and dukbuki... We ate, and then drove to Rebecca's to drop her off. It seemed SO surreal. It really felt like a dream. I pinched Rebecca at one point to see if it were real or not... Haha....

But, my bro and I got home, and my mom had a very happy look on her face. It had been a huge day, so I pretty much washed up and then passed out. This is only the beginning... So much more to come!

01/21/2012 3:38pm About to Land

Well, according to the flight info, I’ve got about 21 minutes before I land.

Since  the last update, things have been uneventful… And that’s a good thing. I was a bit worried about everything falling apart like it did prior to the last trip, but I was praying against anything that may happen… And I’m sure several others were, too. And thankfully, nothing happened. I was really concerned there’d be some heavy spiritual warfare going on, and at one point, it looked like there might have been some, but it was quickly overcome.

I quit my day job. It was about as dead-end that you could possibly get. I had worked there for five years, with no raise. That job was about as hopeless as it comes… The only reason I stuck around so long was that they didn’t care that I worked when I felt like it. This let me juggle gigs and Craigslist sales and work my hours around them. I was hoping my guitar repair business would take off, and I’d slowly just work that day job less and less, but that never really happened. And for good reason, I think… God has plans for me. Still don’t really know what that will involve concerning a job, but will find out soon enough.

So… All I had to worry about this week was saying goodbye to everyone. Unlike last time, I wasn’t planning on having any sort of going-away party or anything… But, a lot of people wanted to have a send-off for me. Sunday, right after offering, Pastor Q called me up to the front to have the whole church pray for me. Then Monday at BFF, after filming a ridiculous commercial for a missions’ fundraiser, we had a bit of prayer time for me. Then Wednesday, praise team had a send-off for me… Su prepared some tasty food, including some spicy wings in an awesome, Thai-chili sauce, and really, really delicious tenderloin pork. After stuffing ourselves and a brief, brief practice, we had another prayer session. I actually had to cancel out on Pastor Mimi/Pastor Q because they wanted me to come out to Wednesday prayer meeting so that everyone there could pray for me there, but it would have been at the same time. And then Tommy and Albert wanted to have a going away dinner thingy with some beers and American food. A good number of people came out to that.

Wing-Wah, America's Best Wings, various expensive sodas... Good times, good times...

Yummmm... I have the best friends. :)

Through all that, I really feel like I have been unfairly blessed… I am so surrounded by people who love me. And though I don’t really know all that many people in Korea, I am going to be surrounded by people who love me there, too. God has given me so many people… It’s such a change from before. But, I feel like I’ve been given way more than I should have. All I really wanted before was just a couple really good close friends and a loving girlfriend, but now I have a lot of really close friends, a small group, praise team and now an actual family, and of course, a very loving girlfriend. God is just so good… I was being sent best wishes from a lot of people, getting calls and stuff all the way up to my flight. It’s really amazing, especially to me.

So, yeah. Nothing bad happened, but some really cool things happened. When I quit my job, turns out HR messed up or something and I had a 401K. Of course, I didn’t make much at that job, but I have a little pocket of money in that thing, which I’ll have to pull out soon (the timing’s weird b/c I’ll be in Korea when I have to pull it out), but that will definitely help me get by when I get back. Also, I had mailed a lot of important papers to the courthouse to get my name changed, and for some reason, they held them all this time. That included my birth certificate, certificate of naturalization, certificate of adoption- ya know, important stuff. I gave them a call, wondering why they hadn’t mailed them back, and they said that I had to write an appeal to the judge to get a release on them. Well, I wrote the judge that same day, and on Thursday, I got a letter from the courthouse with all my papers in it! Sweet! So, I’ll be bringing those with me and will try to get dual-citizenship while I’m over there.

As far as the flight went, I had two big check bags, which I sorta packed a bit unevenly. The one was quite a bit over the weight limit, and the other one was under. While checking in, the lady was asking if I could move some stuff around, but I had packed so tightly that I didn’t want to bother, so I just told her that I’d just pay the fee. However, she was pretty persistent, and ended up asking her manager is she could waive the fee… And sure enough, her manager let her! That’s like, a free $75 right there. And on the flight, I had a seat alllll the way in the back, in the aisle. It was in the center section, but there was nobody next to me, so I had plenty of space to put stuff. I think the flight stewardess liked me… She kept checking up on me, and gave me earplugs for sleeping and stuff. Actually, she just gave me a little brownie after asking what this is I’m writing. :P Haha… Anyways. All this to say, the flight wasn’t too bad. I felt like… well, normal for the first half, but later, I started to feel like I was dreaming.

At the terminal, looking at the tin can I'd be on for 14 hours...

Doing quite alright... Got some breakfast. Things are reasonably priced in Dulles!

The past two international flights were tough because I had no idea what time it was, but on this plane, the in-flight entertainment thingy had flight information... Certainly helped to know how long it'd be before I got to Korea.

I’m cranking on only three hours of sleep from home, and a few uneasy hours of sleep on the plane. But, I’m doing ok. I really feel like I’m dreaming, though. I can’t believe that I just left everything behind. I really don’t have any idea what’s ahead of me. Good things, of course, but I have no details about logistical stuff, or plans or anything like that. It’s all a wonderful mystery. Flying off into an unknown future… I still can’t believe I’m going to see my girlfriend in a couple minutes… I can’t believe I’m going to meet my brother. I can’t believe I’m going to finally meet my umma… Just… wow.

01/11/2012 11:53pm Plane Ticket: Purchased

Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

So... Just this morning, I bought a plane ticket. :D

Two days ago, Rebecca called me during her break from work with some good news. When she's got good news, it's always realllllly good news. :) She said my mom sent me some money to buy a plane ticket! We were both kinda in dreamland or something... Both of us were pretty shocked. Sure enough, a couple moments later, I got an e-mail 'notice of remittance' stating that funds were being transferred to my bank. Wow!!

The funds still haven't transferred to my bank account yet, but I've been working hard and selling lots of stuff, so I had just enough money to get caught up on bills and things, and then just enough to buy the ticket on my own, so I did. Hopefully the transfer will go through soon, though. :P Haha... But, wanted to book the ticket ASAP. I'll be flying out on the 20th, and arriving in Korea on the 21st... The weekend right before Lunar New Year, the biggest holiday in Korea. I'll be spending it with my family, and Rebecca!!

There is much still up in the air... I'm planning on staying at least three months... It could possibly be longer, and it might possibly be shorter. I really have no idea. I don't have enough money saved to sustain myself that long, else I'll come back to a pile of debt, but I'll see what happens when I get over there. One step at a time... Still... I'm not worried about it. Not out of lack of responsibility, but out of faith. God has brought me this far... And I still obviously have no control of things... So, just gotta trust Him.

I had actually braced myself for a lonnnnnnnng wait, so finding out that umma was suddenly ready was quite a surreal moment. Actually, that legal case is still an issue... That's not yet resolved. I don't know what happened, but she managed to get me the money for a ticket, somehow.

I am crazy excited... This is just SO much sooner than I had imagined, especially after hearing the last bit of news from umma. I really do believe some things had to change/get done before I could go back... And I'm sure those forgiveness letters were on that list. So, hopefully I'll continue to be obedient to God and not obstruct His plan for my life... Or the plans for anyone else's. Wow, though... Wow.

The plan now is for my bro to drive Rebecca to the airport next Saturday... They will meet me... I think Rebecca and I will probably gonna gross out my bro something serious. :P But... I wanted to meet my umma later, not everyone at once. Too much all at once... And I need some time to kinda re-orient myself and emotionally prepare to meet my mother, the woman who gave birth to me, the one who gave me her genes, for the first time. Definitely gonna be an emotional day... One for the books. I can't wait to see Rebecca again... Meeting my bro is going to be awesome... And meeting my mom... I just can't imagine the weight of the moment.

So, yeah. God answers prayers. God has plans. I can't wait!!!

12/31/2011 9:14pm New Year's Eve

Well, it's New Year's Eve, and yes, I'm still in the States. Christmas has come and gone... Things have been seemingly uneventful around here. I mailed some gifts and hand-written mini-letters over to Korea for Rebecca, umma, bro and CK's family. They were all surprised (well, except Rebecca, obviously). Christmas isn't that large of a holiday over there... It's important to Christians, obviously, but the family sentiment isn't nearly as strong as it is in the US. It's kind of a couples holiday, actually. Anyways, Rebecca delivered all the gifts to everyone and spent a little time with my family and translated the letters for them.

It seems a lot has been going on with my family. The latest word is that nobody has any idea of when I'll be able to go to Korea right now. Umma is closing down the business... Seems it just wasn't working out. Details are lacking, but someone is apparently trying to wrongfully sue her. As a result, all of my family's money and time have been tied up and if this mess gets taken to court, it could be a year before I can go back. It could also get dropped, but obviously nobody knows if that might happen.

Of course, my heart sank upon hearing the news... But, I know that God has a reason for everything, and His plan is for the benefit of everyone. I've been thinking kind of selfishly about this whole thing... I mean, well, obviously... It's kinda of hard not to think about just your life when it gets turned upside down. But, this has had a great, great impact on umma's life, too.

Again, I don't have all the details, but this all started a long while ago in her life. She actually said that she felt she was called by God when she was much younger... That maybe she was supposed to go to seminary or something. However, she ran away from God, because she thought she didn't need Him, and she could do things on her own. She had many chances to go to Him, but ran from all of them. However, her life got tough... But, she was still prideful. She said the lowest point in her life was when she gave me up... And even after, she remained headstrong. But, now that I'm back in her life, and she can't do anything to see me, she has completely humbled herself before God. She has been going to early morning prayer (5am prayer service), everyday... And she says she will continue to go everyday until she see me again. She says that God is using me to bring her back to Him... Quite a Jonah story, if you ask me. She feels like she needs to write a book, too.

In everything, nowadays, it seems God wants me to realize that I have control over nothing. He is demanding that I trust Him in everything, for everything. There is nothing certain right now... I don't know when I'll go back to Korea, I don't know about money things, and recently, I don't even know about my housing situation now... Nothing is stable. Everything can change at a moment's notice right now. I can't plan for anything. Obviously, there's quite a bit of anxiety accompanying that... I wish I could just take things into my own hands and reestablish life over in Korea for the next couple years, but I have no money, no degree (meaning, it'll be hard to get a job even teaching English), I can't speak Korean at all... I can't even get direct information from my umma or bro. Rebecca does her best, obviously, and she's great, but it's soooooo frustrating not being able to talk directly. Unfortunately, I think that's a wall that's going to take years to come down. I'm trying to learn Korean the best I can, but I feel like my peak language-learning time has already past. I really can't say how much I regret taking Chinese in school instead of Korean. Really... can't... say... I feel helpless. As if I had any reasons to be proud to begin with, I too am completely humbled before God... Just waiting, it seems. Clinging to a life preserver, drifting...

...Or not. Actually, it's pretty apparent that God is doing a lot in my life, right now. He is shaping my character. I was listening to a sermon the other day (by Pastor Steven Chandler, from Destiny Harvest Church), which was extremely relevant.

Here's a quote:

"God knows your perfect direction. The Bible says that when He brought the children [of Israel] out of [Egypt], He took them around one nation because He knew that they were not ready for battle. He said, "If I had taken them into that fight, they wouldn't have made it. So, we're going to have to go the long way so that they can build themselves up."

"Some of you are saying, "God, why is it taking so long for my dream to develop in my life?" God says, "You ain't ready. And if I take you straight to your dream, it's going to destroy you. So trust me that I know what I'm doing; allow me to take you the long way that's building you up. But when you get there, I'm telling you, you're going to shine, you're going to rise and you're going to demonstrate the glory of God.""

Though I have about 0.1% of control over the tangible things in my life, I think it's plainly obvious that God is teaching, training and tempering me. I've been through some really rough spots since the last update... One event in particular was more trying than anything I've had to deal with in the past few years. But, I have learned to rely on God's strength, and to seek Him first before succumbing to failure. I'm no pro at it, but God has pushed me through some things I never would have been able to get through on my own. It's surprising... It's like punching a rock, only to find the rock completely shatter and crumble away, like your fist was dynamite. Like Neo fighting Morpheus for the first time after just 'learning' Kung-Fu. I know most of my limits pretty well... so, the surprise is when God uses me and takes me beyond those limits. It's not surprising that God can do that, it's just the experience of it is unlike anything else, if that makes any sense.

It's definitely safe to say that right now, I am at an all-time-high spiritually. Lately, I've been praying more than I probably have in my whole life. I've been reading more Bible, more eagerly, than I have in a long, long time. God is definitely doing something, here... I know this isn't a temporary high, either, because right now, I really, really wonder how I got along with life without praying this much before. Sometimes, it's kind of like a 'retreat high,' but when it's not, I still just feel closer with God... Even through the rough spots.

So, it's clear that God is preparing me for something... My mom, too. And Rebecca. Something is going to happen... There is work to be done. And I guess I just have to accept that I'm not quite ready for it, quite yet. I have to realize God isn't letting me get back to Korea for my own benefit... If I went now, I'd probably screw something up. :P Or something would seriously screw me up. Who knows, but God?

In the meantime, it's also clear that there is work to be done here at home, too. To start, there are a few people here and there who I've started talking to and sharing with. My story to this point has blessed a good handful of people, but I'm sure there are more to come in this time of 'waiting.' I really have no idea how far God is going to take this here at home, or in Korea, but I need to be ready.

Lastly, I finally wrote and mailed off two forgiveness letters. One for my adoptive mom, and one for my adoptive dad. Earlier this year (after writing out my KAMC application), I wrote my mom a letter, explaining why I cut her out of my life. For the first time, I was honest with her. I told her what she put me through, and how it took me so long to understand that I hated her, and then why I hated her. A while later, she mailed me back with a letter. It pretty much said stuff like, 'oh, I've always loved you,' 'you were my everything' and ended with 'you need to get your heart right with God.' Without context, anybody would have just smacked me on the head and asked me, 'what's wrong with you?' But, that's just the thing. That's how it's always been... And I bought that for the longest time. You'd think that after not speaking to her for five/six/seven (I don't even remember) years that she'd be willing to listen to what I had to say, but she didn't acknowledge a thing I said, much less even hint that she might have been wrong. Instead, she told me what she always told me... Things that she says, but never backed with actions. And then, as always, used 'God' to justify herself and imply that I was the one that was wrong. Just like always...

So, I gave it some time. Just before Christmas, I wrote her another letter. I pretty much stated that regardless of whether she admits or even understands what she did to me, I forgive her. I listed the things that I forgive her for. I then told her that she needs to forgive as well, and also seek forgiveness from everyone else. It was... still a pretty hard letter to write, even though I am willing to begin the forgiving process. I did a lot of re-reading, deleting, rephrasing and rewriting because I still got plenty emotional writing this. I'm still angry and  somewhat bitter... I want to forgive her, and God will help me, as God wants us to forgive everyone. Despite writing the letter, I think it's still going to take some time for the anger and bitterness to fade. I'm definitely on the path to complete forgiveness, but just not there yet. I'm not really even sure what complete forgiveness for something like this is supposed to feel like. I mean, theoretically, I'll be free... But, how am I supposed to look at what's been done in the past? Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting... Easy to say 'forgive and forget,' but am I just supposed to forget 17 years of my life? No. But, I can't hold it against her... It's easy to forgive someone who you like, because, well, you like them. If you like them, you probably consider them at least a decent person. But, someone who is not-so-decent... I mean, the best I can do is acknowledge that they are a sinner, and that I too, am a sinner. Still... there is hurt, and there is clearly someone to blame for it.... But, all theology and thinking aside, the bottom line is that I have to give it all to God. And I'm trying.....

This whole time, I hadn't written anything to my adoptive dad yet. My adoptive mom was the primary offender, so I focused on sorting things out with her first. But, with that done, I thought about my adoptive dad and what he's done and why I wanted nothing to do with him. So, like with my adoptive mom, I wrote everything out... I think I did a more clear job with his letter, though. Then again, his case is a bit more obvious and I'm a bit less emotional about it, so organizing my thoughts was a lot easier. Still, in writing the letter, I realize I'm a lot more angry than I thought I was. But, after explaining everything, I told him that I forgive him for everything I just explained to him. Forgiving him is a lot easier than forgiving my adoptive mom, for sure...

In both letters, I told my adoptive parents that I found my birth family. I didn't say a lot about it, but made it pretty clear that I just want to move on from the past, and move on with my 'new' family.

So... the heartwork begins. While not complete, I'm soooo much closer than I was earlier this year. God returning umma to my life really changed a lot. I feel so much love that I feel like I can let go of these things I've held against my adoptive parents for so long. Love certainly changes things.

And... that's pretty much it for now. I'll update when I get more news of things... In the meantime, prayers for my umma and this legal-stuff concerning her business would be appreciated. :)