Wow! It's been two months since I posted last... Got some time now that Thanksgiving has rolled around. I have a lot to be thankful for this year, eh? So much...
But, how's life been for me? Well... Interesting! But, not exactly from a 'stuff is happening' kind of perspective, but from an emotional one, I guess.
Anyways, anyways...
I know I had been talking a lot about plans for the future with a lot of different people, but all sorts of things changed, and what was wanted wasn't always possible. Rebecca had planned on visiting, but that didn't pan out, and umma (I'm just going to call her 'umma' from now on to differentiate her from my adoptive mother) planned on bringing me back to Korea in time for my birthday, but she decided to wait a bit longer because of a few issues. Plans were pushed back to December, but we'll get to that.
Soooo... My umma sent me a big gift for my birthday.... It was the biggest gift I ever got!
Lots and lots of goodies were inside...
And umma and bro went and got me some nice clothes from Uni Glo... I really needed some new threads, and I was pretty sad I couldn't get more from Korea while I was there. These clothes are all out of my 'usual' style, but I like them and wear them a lot when I go out now... Everybody says I look super-Korean. I'm happy... :)
So, that was really awesome, and I felt very loved. My umma was very obviously pressed to get this to me, because she was pressuring Rebecca to get my address and size and stuff, and she also paid a LOT of money to ship that enormous box. I don't think anyone's ever gone that far to get me a gift before!
Not too long after was the KAMC debriefing retreat. It was definitely a 'debriefing,' and a brief one (har har) at that. It was definitely really good to catch up with everyone again! David called out because of some emergency, so he wasn't there (that's all I'll say about that). We all met up at a TGIF, ate lunch and then headed off to the retreat center... We were kinda late, but Pastor Park and SMN were late, too, so it all worked out. We got an upgraded building, too. :)
And what would a retreat be without a little mischief? Haha...
The debrief really wasn't like... another 'retreat' kind of deal, but it was very focused on the practical aspect of continuing KAMC's ministry. We talked a lot about how to keep the adoptees involved. Most of the adoptees that go on the trip go, get blessed, come back home and then disappear... We discussed ways in which we'd try to keep involved. It's tough, because we're so spread out over the country, and not many of us know many other adoptees. And then we also talked on practical ways to improve the trip itself... We only had a few minor suggestions. Maybe add a day here, take a day away there... But, overall, we were still just blown away by how amazing the trip was. The biggest complaint was the tension between David and I... Which, I mean, you can't really do anything about, and that sort of... worked itself out, I guess.
Still... As much as I want to be involved in this program, things got BUSY not too much longer after I got back. I still owe KAMC a lot of writing... I need to get on it. But, I really, honestly, haven't had the time or energy.
So, that kind of brings me to the next bit... How's my life been recently? Well, let me tell you... My life is no fairy-tale. After my last entry, I guess you'd be led to think, 'oh, well, his life must be perfect now!' Haha... Far from it. I am still reeling from the consequences that I made earlier in my life when I didn't think I'd live to see 25 and thought 'spend everything/do what you want/live for the moment/that kinda thing,' and I still had to finish up with that 'incident' I got myself into before the trip. That was... humiliating and costly. And though things are looking up... finishing school and finally making my life stable... those things are kinda far away, I think. I'm still trying to manage a dead-end internship that doesn't pay anything, a draining weekend gig and a guitar-repair business that hasn't been doing much business... Add on top all the help with church, small group, etc, and I don't have a lot of time or energy for other things. I'm still riding my sportbike in freezing cold weather, rain or shine, and there are a couple issues with the house, still.
I mean, on the surface, it's pretty much life as it was before all this Korea-business, with the exception of my relationship. I really, really love Rebecca. I will hold on to her with everything I have... But, that makes long-distance even worse. Long distance SUCKS and it is HARD. We talk everyday, at least once... But, just being able to talk is like dying of thirst in a desert, and just getting periodic drips of water. We've had some ups and downs, just like every relationship when it's just beginning, and the downs suck just as much as they would in a local relationship - maybe even worse, because miscommunication is more likely, and well, things are just worse over the phone (err... Skype). And it's not like you can just go over and check up on the other person... The only clue you have about what's going on on the other end is what you hear over the phone/Skype/IM/whatever. That brings about a whole new level of insecurities... And then the highs can only be so high... you know? I mean... Think. Five love languages. Words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts and physical touch... You pretty much only have words in full-effect, and even then, you can't use or see body language/facial expressions (no, we don't video chat). Quality time is... I mean, in person, you can spend quality time without saying anything to the other person and it'll be romantic... But, instead of being romantic, spending time over Skype without saying anything just ends up being awkward. :\ You can't really do 'acts of service' unless they are over e-mail or something, and gifts are well, pretty much in the same boat. And obviously, physical touch is impossible.
Still... despite all that, I am happier than I've ever been before. I am quite smitten, and Rebecca is one of the most amazing people I've met in my life, and I have the privilege of dating her (the others being ppl like Su, PQ, Pastor Steven Chandler, Caleb Quaye - I don't think I'd want to date any of them, though... hahahahaha). Our relationship, despite the long distance, is still amazing, and the thought of this only being 'the half of it' is just.. sublime. God has a reason for everything, and making us wait and learn about each other only through words is teaching us patience and tempers our trust in each other. We aren't ever, ever going to take time we spend together for granted... That's for sure. Long distance sucks, and it's hard, but I think it really boils the relationship down to the core of what actually holds the couple together and strengthens it. So, actually getting to be with her is going to be something like a dream...
Anyways, anyways... I'm sure you've heard enough about that. :P (If you were grossed out by that, wait until we get together... LOL...)
* ahem *
So, yes. I talked about things on the surface being like they were before Korea... But, I am so filled with hope and thankfulness that for the first time since well, forever, I feel like all of this 'trouble' is only temporary. This constant hustle for money to make ends meet, never having time for anything and the long-distance are all only temporary. So much hope! Yeah, sometimes I still get down/stressed about these things immediately in front of my face, but persevering is so much easier with the hope that I have. With the way that God has delicately planned and orchestrated the events this summer to come about, how could I not trust Him to take care of everything else in the future? He is not one to leave a work unfinished, and though He makes people wait now and then, He always keeps His promises. How long is the wait? Well, long enough for His purposes. Of course, I'm praying that He'll move things along sooner than later, but also that whatever changes and growth need to take place in the meantime WILL take place, and that I won't be resistant to them.
Alright, so back to my umma. She said that she'd fly me back to visit so I could be there on my birthday, but didn't... And she said she'd fly me back in December, but that's not going to happen... So, what's going on? Well, essentially, it's all on her business. October, she said, was the worst and most stressful month (end of the fiscal year kinda stuff, I'm assuming)... So she wanted to wait until December so she'd have more time and money for me. Well... business in November didn't go very well, and she was having trouble with one of the new branches out in the country-side, and it sounds like she had to invest personal money or something in it (not sure exactly). In the end, the funds just came up short; that's all.
Yeah, I mean, I was pretty disappointed... I mean, the three most important people in my life are in Korea, now. But, at the same time, I was also a tiny bit relieved (oh, I'd still rather have gone over, trust me)... I don't have my junk over here completely together yet, and I need to finish taking care of some stuff before I feel like I can 'leave' peacefully. But, more than that, I just need to trust in God's timing... Yes, my umma, bro, girlfriend and I are ALL very anxious about getting back together, but God has His reasons for everything.
Example? Well... I've already had a couple people ask, 'oh, well are you sure your mom really wants to see you?' or other crap like that... But, I think my umma is more disappointed than I am about the matter. She has missed me before I even knew that I was supposed to miss her. She has had 26 years of regret, compared to my few recent years of turmoil concerning my lack of knowing her. From the letters she has written me... I know she loves me... She is so sorry, and so regretful that I feel bad, almost guilty, hearing how sorry she is.
Eh. I wasn't sure about posting it, but I think I have to share... Here is her letter she hand-wrote me on my birthday:
Ok, how could you possibly say that that woman does not love me? The more I read that letter, the more I feel like crying...
When she finally determined that it wasn't going to be possible to bring me over in December, she felt so bad that she actually went to a Wednesday service at her local church, for the first time! By God's grace, she met somebody nice there who listened to her story (yeah, she cried hearing it) and decided she would look after umma at church. Turns out the church was having some sort of special 'event' or something and was having service everyday of the week... And my umma went to every one. She says that before, she had always been strong enough to take care of herself... so, she never really felt a need for God. But, now that she knows of me, but can do nothing to finally see me again, she feels humbled. There's a reason for everything, right?
Still... I say none of this is to belittle how much I want to meet my umma. I finally have a real mother now... I feel like parts of me grew up and matured way too fast... but, then another small part of me is a little boy who never grew up and is still looking for his mommy. I think about meeting my umma often... I imagine walking off the plane with all my junk, and seeing my family waiting for me. I doubt there will be any talk... just one long, long hug and lots of tears. I don't want to hold back... I will finally be able to cry on my mother's shoulder... All those years of suppressing my emotions and hardening my heart not to feel anything will just... dissolve. But, I think about it... I am a grown man. She is a little woman....... I wish, in some way, that I could be six years old and 3' tall again (or however tall I was when I was six), so I could run up to her and bury my face in her belly and cling to her, knowing that she is the strongest person in the world, and that she will protect me from anything... I have always lacked that. I still need that... I still think about it when I see the little kids in church fall over and go running to their mommies... Ever wonder why I don't really like touching people, or people touching me? Well, there's your answer. You're not my mommy. LOL... (Ok, ok, some comic relief was necessary.) No, but really. That's why, and I've always known it...
But, didn't I have my adoptive mother? Well... yeah. And I might have run to her when I was little... But, even back as faaaar as I can remember, I never felt completely comfortable doing it... It was strange. As soon as I didn't really 'need' to run to her, I stopped. I remember when I stopped calling her 'mommy' because I thought it was childish and I felt stupid. I was probably four or five. It was almost like... a business relationship or something. She played the role of mother and I played the role of son. I mean... watching other adoptee accounts and stuff... I don't know about them, but for me, I couldn't ever get over the fact that I looked nothing like my adoptive parents, and it was always, ALWAYS on my mind that they were not my real parents. I just felt like I had none. When I got to my teenage years and things really started to go sour (or I just realized what the crap was going wrong with my 'family'), they sort of turned into just... caretakers or something... and eventually just people I wanted to get as far away from as possible. The comparison of my adoptive mother and my umma is really like the comparison of the two women who came before King Solomon in the Old Testament... My umma loved me so much she gave me away... And my adoptive mother didn't care what would become of me; she only wanted to have a child. And it's so true... I went off to college... and that was it for her. She was never there to help me, or care for my needs, or even take time to figure out what my needs were... She just didn't care. I only existed to make her happy, not the other way around. Like a pet animal or something.
So... It's just past Thanksgiving. I used to hate Thanksgiving and Christmas, and Easter to some extent. Not because I'm a scrooge, or I dislike the purpose of those holidays (I certainly don't!), but because it was the time when I was reminded that all my friends, who I considered my 'family,' had more important people in their lives than me... That I always needed them more than they needed me. Depression would always subconsciously creep up on me when the holidays got near... I'd start to get depressed and not know why. Then it'd be the day of the holiday, and I'd wake up, wish myself a happy holiday and then sit around and wish I had a gun so I could shoot myself. Or maybe go find a tall building and jump... head first, or course. Or perhaps go speeding somewhere, take off the seat belt and crash head-on into a concrete wall. Or maybe make a speedball of chemicals and drown myself in alcohol. Nah, that never really works, and it'd suck to end up half-brained for screwing that up. But, really, I'd be so alone and just... dead... I wasn't energetic enough to motivate myself to do any of that. I just sat, with a sinking stomach, reading Xanga and forums and hearing about everyone else spending time with families. As you know, God eventually took depression from me... But, even after, I'd still always just be alone. Even if I went out with friends after they got 'free' from family stuff, or if I went to PQ's house to eat with his family and everyone else who was away from home... I still felt like a stray mutt, looking for some handouts or something.
* ahem *
So, yes. I talked about things on the surface being like they were before Korea... But, I am so filled with hope and thankfulness that for the first time since well, forever, I feel like all of this 'trouble' is only temporary. This constant hustle for money to make ends meet, never having time for anything and the long-distance are all only temporary. So much hope! Yeah, sometimes I still get down/stressed about these things immediately in front of my face, but persevering is so much easier with the hope that I have. With the way that God has delicately planned and orchestrated the events this summer to come about, how could I not trust Him to take care of everything else in the future? He is not one to leave a work unfinished, and though He makes people wait now and then, He always keeps His promises. How long is the wait? Well, long enough for His purposes. Of course, I'm praying that He'll move things along sooner than later, but also that whatever changes and growth need to take place in the meantime WILL take place, and that I won't be resistant to them.
Alright, so back to my umma. She said that she'd fly me back to visit so I could be there on my birthday, but didn't... And she said she'd fly me back in December, but that's not going to happen... So, what's going on? Well, essentially, it's all on her business. October, she said, was the worst and most stressful month (end of the fiscal year kinda stuff, I'm assuming)... So she wanted to wait until December so she'd have more time and money for me. Well... business in November didn't go very well, and she was having trouble with one of the new branches out in the country-side, and it sounds like she had to invest personal money or something in it (not sure exactly). In the end, the funds just came up short; that's all.
Yeah, I mean, I was pretty disappointed... I mean, the three most important people in my life are in Korea, now. But, at the same time, I was also a tiny bit relieved (oh, I'd still rather have gone over, trust me)... I don't have my junk over here completely together yet, and I need to finish taking care of some stuff before I feel like I can 'leave' peacefully. But, more than that, I just need to trust in God's timing... Yes, my umma, bro, girlfriend and I are ALL very anxious about getting back together, but God has His reasons for everything.
Example? Well... I've already had a couple people ask, 'oh, well are you sure your mom really wants to see you?' or other crap like that... But, I think my umma is more disappointed than I am about the matter. She has missed me before I even knew that I was supposed to miss her. She has had 26 years of regret, compared to my few recent years of turmoil concerning my lack of knowing her. From the letters she has written me... I know she loves me... She is so sorry, and so regretful that I feel bad, almost guilty, hearing how sorry she is.
Eh. I wasn't sure about posting it, but I think I have to share... Here is her letter she hand-wrote me on my birthday:
Dear my loving son Chang Gi,
I have received your letter. I have read it a number of times.How foolish I was to have given you pain... how should I heal you... who is such tender and soft-hearted... my heart breaks. When I think about how many scars you may have in your heart, this foolish mom can't even look up the sky.
My loving son Chang Gi,
Do not be lonely anymore, do not be hurt, and smile.
Mom will protect you now. also for your dad.
My loving son Chang Gi,
I call your name many times a day. I miss you and I miss you, I want to hug you, I want to sing you lullaby, I want to touch each of your fingers and toes, I want to wash your face and hair, I want to give you a bath.
My baby, you are my baby. I love you, my baby! I get to celebrate your birthday for the first time now. I am sorry.Thank you for forgiving a mom like this. Thank you.
I thank Hye Won, and I also thank Pastor Park and Pastor Kim. How can I repay this favor?
My baby... Chang Gi... I love you.
Let's live to return the favor to the people who have given us love. I am preparing myself to attend church as you have wanted. I'll start going to church as soon as possible.
My loving son Chang Gi,
You have no seaweed soup, you have no cake, but do not be sad on your birthday. Next year I'll celebrate with you. I will try for sure.
My loving son Chang Gi,
Have a party with your friends on your birthday evening. Give my thanks to your friends as well. (Friends, thank you so much)
Your brother picked the snacks. He thought it would be to your taste. And we also bought clothes. He wants to give a change to your style. I am worried that it is cold there. Always take care of your health. Are the clothes your size? I do not know what to say. I am sorry. I am sorry, Chang Gi.
My loving son Chang Gi,
Your dad was a man of few words, and was a diligent man. He loved me very much. He took good care of the parents. He liked music a lot. He played 'I Love You Much Too Much' by Santata on my birthday. After that, I started to like the song a lot, too. Try listening to the song.
My loving son Chang Gi,
Happy Birthday. I miss you very much. I love you, my son. Be healthy always. OK?
P.S. - Wear your tights (underwear) when your wear pants. Always keep yourself warm.
To my son
From a foolish mom
Ok, how could you possibly say that that woman does not love me? The more I read that letter, the more I feel like crying...
When she finally determined that it wasn't going to be possible to bring me over in December, she felt so bad that she actually went to a Wednesday service at her local church, for the first time! By God's grace, she met somebody nice there who listened to her story (yeah, she cried hearing it) and decided she would look after umma at church. Turns out the church was having some sort of special 'event' or something and was having service everyday of the week... And my umma went to every one. She says that before, she had always been strong enough to take care of herself... so, she never really felt a need for God. But, now that she knows of me, but can do nothing to finally see me again, she feels humbled. There's a reason for everything, right?
Still... I say none of this is to belittle how much I want to meet my umma. I finally have a real mother now... I feel like parts of me grew up and matured way too fast... but, then another small part of me is a little boy who never grew up and is still looking for his mommy. I think about meeting my umma often... I imagine walking off the plane with all my junk, and seeing my family waiting for me. I doubt there will be any talk... just one long, long hug and lots of tears. I don't want to hold back... I will finally be able to cry on my mother's shoulder... All those years of suppressing my emotions and hardening my heart not to feel anything will just... dissolve. But, I think about it... I am a grown man. She is a little woman....... I wish, in some way, that I could be six years old and 3' tall again (or however tall I was when I was six), so I could run up to her and bury my face in her belly and cling to her, knowing that she is the strongest person in the world, and that she will protect me from anything... I have always lacked that. I still need that... I still think about it when I see the little kids in church fall over and go running to their mommies... Ever wonder why I don't really like touching people, or people touching me? Well, there's your answer. You're not my mommy. LOL... (Ok, ok, some comic relief was necessary.) No, but really. That's why, and I've always known it...
But, didn't I have my adoptive mother? Well... yeah. And I might have run to her when I was little... But, even back as faaaar as I can remember, I never felt completely comfortable doing it... It was strange. As soon as I didn't really 'need' to run to her, I stopped. I remember when I stopped calling her 'mommy' because I thought it was childish and I felt stupid. I was probably four or five. It was almost like... a business relationship or something. She played the role of mother and I played the role of son. I mean... watching other adoptee accounts and stuff... I don't know about them, but for me, I couldn't ever get over the fact that I looked nothing like my adoptive parents, and it was always, ALWAYS on my mind that they were not my real parents. I just felt like I had none. When I got to my teenage years and things really started to go sour (or I just realized what the crap was going wrong with my 'family'), they sort of turned into just... caretakers or something... and eventually just people I wanted to get as far away from as possible. The comparison of my adoptive mother and my umma is really like the comparison of the two women who came before King Solomon in the Old Testament... My umma loved me so much she gave me away... And my adoptive mother didn't care what would become of me; she only wanted to have a child. And it's so true... I went off to college... and that was it for her. She was never there to help me, or care for my needs, or even take time to figure out what my needs were... She just didn't care. I only existed to make her happy, not the other way around. Like a pet animal or something.
So... It's just past Thanksgiving. I used to hate Thanksgiving and Christmas, and Easter to some extent. Not because I'm a scrooge, or I dislike the purpose of those holidays (I certainly don't!), but because it was the time when I was reminded that all my friends, who I considered my 'family,' had more important people in their lives than me... That I always needed them more than they needed me. Depression would always subconsciously creep up on me when the holidays got near... I'd start to get depressed and not know why. Then it'd be the day of the holiday, and I'd wake up, wish myself a happy holiday and then sit around and wish I had a gun so I could shoot myself. Or maybe go find a tall building and jump... head first, or course. Or perhaps go speeding somewhere, take off the seat belt and crash head-on into a concrete wall. Or maybe make a speedball of chemicals and drown myself in alcohol. Nah, that never really works, and it'd suck to end up half-brained for screwing that up. But, really, I'd be so alone and just... dead... I wasn't energetic enough to motivate myself to do any of that. I just sat, with a sinking stomach, reading Xanga and forums and hearing about everyone else spending time with families. As you know, God eventually took depression from me... But, even after, I'd still always just be alone. Even if I went out with friends after they got 'free' from family stuff, or if I went to PQ's house to eat with his family and everyone else who was away from home... I still felt like a stray mutt, looking for some handouts or something.
But, now... Yeah, I spent Thanksgiving with just my roommates... But, just knowing that I have my umma and my bro... Those feelings are gone. I thought the only time they'd finally disappear would be when I made a family for myself... And who knows when that would be. I have a real mother now... I am still getting used to the idea, but signs of healing are already showing.
I guess, in a way, I've kind of had a long-distance relationship with my umma... I know my friends around me really love their moms, but they still complain about them, or front disgruntlement, or whatever. But, I will always, always cherish and be grateful for my umma... I will always be thankful for her, and I will always thank God that she is a strong, loving mother. Between her and Rebecca, I know the two most amazing women in the world... I've had to wait for both, and am still waiting, but the wait will be well worth it. I really can't wait to go back to Korea... But, God is helping me be patient.
On another note, concerning my return to Korea... I feel that God has some 'other' reasons for me going back, other than meeting my family and seeing Rebecca again. I feel that God has given me the 10 talents, and now I need to go and make something of them... To return a harvest from the seeds He gave me. I feel some conviction... But, it hasn't totally developed, and I don't really know what it'll look like panned out (but, when does anyone ever?). Still... just mentioning it now. I'll surely revisit this, eventually... But, I know my life is going to gain more purpose and His plans for me will be made more clear.
